Today, as with so many days, I am searching for something that will make me feel better, something that will ignite the spark in my heart. 

I don’t think what I am looking for exists. I suppose, on a basic level, I am looking for happiness. However, It’s hard to explain because I wouldn’t describe myself as an unhappy person - but I feel desperately empty most of the time ... like something is missing or not quite adding up.  

I have tried books, but have a hard time concentrating on the words. I continue to buy books that I think may be the answer. Wasting money on self help guides that do nothing for me. I’ve tried fiction books to help me escape my own head, but they just don’t have the power they used to have when I was younger. I’m always still firmly locked in the cavernous echo chamber. So fiction books aren’t the answer for me. 

I tried self help books - the type that deal specifically with OCD, anxiety and depression. I thought that by staring right at these issues, acknowledging them, and attempting to find healthy ways of dealing with the crippling feelings I have on a day to day basis could only have a positive impact on me. However, I get frustrated. I get frustrated because it’s just fucking words on paper and there are no real answers there. I can relate to the sentiments of the text but that don’t see solutions. I can’t help myself. Self help books aren’t the answer for me.  

I tried philosophy books and psychology books but they are just too heavy going, too hard to read. I don’t want to delve deeper into chaotic thinking and despair - my life literally is chaotic thinking and despair a good portion of the time. No point aggravating it.  

Further efforts to “cure” myself have brought me to audiobooks recently. I thought it would be quite calming being read to. I opted for self help books as an introduction. This just left me feeling patronised - it felt like I was being talked down to by someone who seemingly has their shit together and that made me angry.  

So, Self help audiobooks are not the answer for me. I return the books and look for something more light hearted, comical and uplifting but I just can’t listen to people talking endlessly - it’s boring and my mind just switches off or wanders.  

It always meanders in minutes back to frantic anxious thoughts and noise. I can’t switch off long enough for audiobooks to be of any enjoyment at all. So, audiobooks aren’t the answer for me.  

I thought I would take a more herbal based approach and started popping CBD capsules, using CBD sprays and generally a variety of supplements and vitamins in the hope they would make me feel better. I spent almost 100 pound on supplements at one point in life because I was that tired of being broken - I desperately wanted to feel better and would try anything.  

Needless to say, supplements and vitamins were not the answer for me. I never felt much, if any, difference at all no matter what I took, regardless of how much or how long I took it for.  

So books aren’t the answer, audiobooks aren’t the answer, CBD isn’t the answer, vitamins aren’t the answer. I keep throwing money at a million morsels of shit hoping it will fix me but seeing no benefit, it’s burning money just because I want to be normal and “happy”.  

And so the search continues. It’s hard to search for something when you don’t know what it is you are searching for. It’s more than a “feeling” or temporary sensation. I want my brain to scar over and start repairing like the rest of my body would if it was damaged.

But I’m hoping for a miracle it seems. 🔊

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